One of the hardest part about having returned home, is realizing that my friends have all grown up and moved on with their lives… I’m not begrudging them for having moved on, far from it. But it is rather jarring. And disconcerting. Its not as if I’ve stayed completely static either. I’ve left home, but all I’ve done is run around in circles. I’ve had adventures, but it feels as if I’m back in the same spot. I want to think that I’ve grown up somewhat. But I always seem to be two steps behind everyone. Its been that way ever since I was a kid. When I was in Sec 1, everyone was studious, and grown up, walking with their shoulders upright, talking about teenage stuff, while I was still running around in the top balcony trying to convince my friends that 13 really wasn’t that far off from 12 and that it was still okay to play ‘catch’. By the time we were in Sec 2, I could fool them no longer and I was left alone. So I retreated to the back gardens and read and read and read. For the most part, it was easier to ignore that everyone else was growing up without me. Even when I was in JC, I was, for the most part, ‘out of the loop’.
It was easier in university. I was the one of the older persons in my year (kind of comes with the territory when our school year is out of sync with the US) but I found myself hanging around the seniors because it was easier to be the younger one in the group, then to be the older one. At least, it gave me an excuse to be as childish as I wanted.
But now that I’m back, all my friends have grown up with families, careers. While I seem to be perpetually stuck in this loop of … I don’t even know what to call it. Adolescence?
As usual, I pretty much spent the entire weekend with the Ex. At some point, I really should stop refering to him as such. But its still hard. And everything was pretty normal, except for that one incident on Fri night. But on Sun, I went climbing with him and his climbing buddy and everything felt very normal, which was very nice. I felt a little bad for the guy because I didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable around me…and if he did, I probably would stop going climbing.
Still. I still feel for him and I still miss him. But I have discovered a new strategy for maintaining that thin line between friendship and romance. Everytime I feel like I want to kiss him or hold his hands, I force myself to think about all the reasons why we will never work out in the long run. They have run from very real reasons to very silly reasons. But they are reasons nonetheless. They are the reasons that will stop me from repeating Fri night and making a fool out of myself. I hope it works. I hope one day I will no longer have to even think about it and that hanging out with him without wanting him will become as natural as waking up.
We had a party last night. We meant to have a party on a friday night anyway. So it was a huge coincidence that it happened to fall on Leap day. Anyway, the party was fun. But the
ex Friend was invited. Both of us are actively working on creating and building a benign friendly relationship. And for the most part, I think we achieved it. Except for the end of the night. I had gotten tired and went back upstairs to retire for the night. Without saying goodbye to everyone. I didn’t want to spoil their fun or make him feel like he had to leave (he looked like he was having a riot) so I just … left. Anyway, about 10 mins later, he called looking for me. He came up. I don’t know what came over me except I shamelessly threw myself at him. He remained a gentleman throughout. He maintained that he did not want to hurt me. He felt that I would only regret it the next morning and the last thing he wanted to do was to hurt me further. I appreciate it. Very much. But I still wanted him so bad it wasn’t funny. I wanted him to lie down next to me and snuggle with me. The snuggling is still the one thing he did very well, and very naturally. He didn’t do it because the girl wanted it…he did it because he liked it too. But, and this is really mean of me, but it made me feel a little better to know that I wasn’t the only one who missed us. I could sense, somehow that he too wanted to just hug me and snuggle up with me and that it took a lot out of him to maintain his composure.
I still miss him. But after last night….I need to learn to behave much much better. I want to continue to see him. I want us to remain friends. And to do that … I need to be … good.