a statistic

About 2 months ago, I joined the ranks of the unemployed. Do you want to know what is the worst part of losing your job? Not having one. For 10 years, I studied, and trained for a very specific job description and for the past 2 years, I was gainfully employed in that role. But 2 months ago, in the middle of my training, I was told that I would not be allowed to stay on. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I was floored. One would have hoped that I would have picked up the signs, had enough sense to work on my deficient areas perhaps. But perhaps I simply “didn’t want it badly enough” and so even though I was floored when I was told I was no longer wanted, I didn’t neccesarily fight it. Because if I’m completely honest, my relationship with that department was wrong from the start. I didn’t fit in that culture and lifestyle, and they didn’t fit into me. I was expected to mold myself into one of them but I never could. In many ways, it was a bad relationship, a relationship that I should have ended, but never could. But they could.

And so now, I find myself undertrained, but over educated. Unsuitable, really, for anything in the real world. I could, I suppose go flirting from residency to residency in the hopes that I’ll complete my training one day. But honestly, I can’t bring myself to do that either. Part of the reason why I decided not to become a full-time researcher was because I couldn’t stand the lifelong uncertainty. To be so uncertain if at the end of a lifetime’s work whether or not I made a difference. It would have eaten me alive. Of course, I never did know that one could be cut off so dramatically, and coldly as a resident either. But now I know.

Someone pointed out to me the other day that I seem to be taking this “delayed adolescence” phase a little too far, and a little too long. At the ripe old age of 31, I’m still a student, one of the famed “professional students”, out of touch with reality and the working world. He said “its irresponsible”. Perhaps he’s right. I can defend myself by saying that the world of medicine is complex, we all train forever and only get real jobs when we are 50. But deep down, I know he’s right.

I’m moving off the prescribed path again of course. I’m going back to school. I hope that this time Iget it right. I still hope to be able to complete my residency training, and that this is merely one (of many) diversions from the Path. But if I can’t find a position by the end of this academic year, I have to accept that its not meant to be and hope that I had made the right choice and opened the right door to another career.

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ChiefMonkey

I've been swinging from place to place looking for new adventures every day.

One thought on “a statistic”

  1. I disagree with your friend, there is nothing wrong with being a student at ANY age. And what ever happened to acquiring knowledge for the sake of knowledge? No, instead now we must acquire knowledge only for the capitalist ideology of having a job. WRONG attitude.

    That being said, at some point you do have to decide what it is you want to pursue in life—whether that be knowledge or career in something. Maybe it means passing on knowledge to others?

    I don’t quite understand why you pursued something for 10 years you didn’t seem to like all that much? I don’t know if that was really the case, or you were just doing the right thing at the wrong place.

    Like

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