feeling like a loser

Today was graduation day for the PGY3. Next year, my class will be graduating. Except I won’t be there because I won’t be completing my residency. It hit me only this morning. I won’t be graduating. I almost felt like crying. I feel like such a loser. Its as if the past 12 years have just been a total waste of time. Yes, I know it hasn’t because there isn’t a period in there that I would change. Or give up. Ok. I lie. Not the first 5 years anyway. The first 5 were the best times of my life. I didn’t enjoy the Chicago years. And sad as the Bethesda year was, I really enjoyed it. The years in St. Louis were not the best either. I always felt so alone. Like I never really found a foothold on which I could stand. Not that it has been all that bad. I’ve made some really good friends. I love my preceptor. And sad and angry as I am that I won’t be finishing, I’m relieved I won’t be here this next academic year. Is that bad? But at the same time, I’m really scared. And panicked. What is going to happen to my future. What is my next step? I’ve been thinking and talking to myself about the next step. The problem is its just all talk. I haven’t done anything yet. I’m not sure I can do anything. I keep going through all the different paths I could have taken at all the critical junctures in my life and sometimes I wonder if the die was cast a long time ago when I chose to make the wrong turn somewhere along the way. Can I find my way back? I feel so old. And useless. And terribly stupid. My peers have family, a career, a future. After all that I’ve given up, I have nothing. And now I have to go back and start all over again. This wasn’t the way I had imagined returning home. I feel that I have failed my parents. And I wonder if all their sacrifices have been worth it. Maybe they should have said “no” to me 12 years ago and perhaps I won’t be here now. All spent and empty. At least even if I’m in the same boat as I am now, they would at least have saved the money they spent on me. I’m useless useless useless.

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ChiefMonkey

I've been swinging from place to place looking for new adventures every day.

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