Posted in drama, random

facing reality

So LJ and I broke up after V-day.  My first V-day in years. It was perfect. And then it … well, it just ended.  I was upset, naturally. But we wanted to remain friends. And I worked hard at it. Really, I did. But everytime I saw him, I wanted him.  I wanted him to hold me, to kiss me, to stroke my back and to cuddle up with me and tell me that everything is ok.  It wasn’t ok though.  We were over simply because I’m not a citizen here. And then when I came back from SD, we started hooking up again. No strings attached. I can do this I thought. I mean, I’m human. I merely need my physical needs fulfilled. He is my friend, so that fulfilled the emotional part, right?  Well, I was wrong. He refuses to kiss or cuddle up with me.  To him, kissing and cuddling is something that couples do, something that means something. When he said that … I felt like he was breaking up with me all over again. Deep down, I know he is right. Perhaps I was trying to hold on to something I never had in the first place.  I wanted him to love me. But he never has. He cares for me. And I think that’s all I’m ever going to expect from him.  I’m not sure this whole friendship with benefits thing is going to work out.  At least, not now.  I think we are better off as friends only.



I've been swinging from place to place looking for new adventures every day.

5 thoughts on “facing reality

  1. hi, i don’t know you but the situation sounds familiar so my two cents’ worth is that maybe you should get over him before you do the friend thing, it might be easier (not that this means that it’s easy in any way) than trying to stop the way you feel whenever you’re around him, which is impossible and you shouldn’t have to change the way you feel.

    he sounds like a person who can detach his emotions fairly easily: he creates the perfect v-day, was a perfect boyfriend, is a perfect friend, is a perfect no-strings partner. he’s just good in what he does, whatever he does, when his mind’s made up. so really you should look after yourself and put yourself first and maybe it’s hard to not have him in your life initially but think about it as the only way to have him in your life as a friend.

    anyway. hope this wasn’t too intrusive.


  2. no. this wasn’t too intrusive. after all, i was the one who made this post.

    and you are right. i might be better off cutting off all contact with him for the time being. but my time here is short. i’ll be gone. soon. and i probably won’t see him for a while when i move. hence my reluctance to stop. now. because if i do, i’m afraid i really will regret it.


  3. i don’t think i meant nothing to him. i just don’t think i meant as much to him as he was to him. does that make sense?
    i lost the chance to see if we would have a future together, but i don’t think i can stand losing him as a friend as well.


  4. yea i wasn’t saying that you meant nothing to him, just that it would be the only way that you could ever lose him completely. you would never lose him as a friend if you meant something to him so you wouldn’t have to worry about losing him if you know that you meant something to him. HAH that sounds real confusing eh 🙂

    p.s. i think we were from the same school


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