I just saw the latest episode of Gossip Girls. It is one of my particularly favorite guilty pleasure. If you thought fitting in at HS was difficult, try going to one of those exclusive all girls private schools on the Upper East Side. dang. If we believe everything we see on TV, barely 16yr old children are sleeping, bitching and drugging their way through HS and life. Like the Wire, what you learn in the classroom doesn’t really matter. Its what you learn through your social interactions that really shape what you are. Except, of course, in the Wire, the children have to learn to maneuver through the tough streets of Baltimore, standing on The Corner(s), trying not to get, quite literally, killed. Here, the kids are just trying not to die from designer drug overdoses and Queen Bees dressed in Prada and Manolo heels.
Anyway, I guess what I’m really trying to say is HS is hard. Fitting in is hard. And when you are that age, 13, 14, 15, 16 or even 17 or 18, you want to fit in. Yes yes. Individualism is important. But it takes a very strong, and very mature teenager to want and be comfortable being an individual. When you are still trying to find yourself, fitting in, and being the person that you think will fit in with everyone, is above all else, the most important thing. The problem is that sometimes by trying to fit in…you may end up losing yourself.
When I saw tonight’s episode of Gossip Girl, I felt bad for Little J. Really. I did. She was in over her head. Yes, she finally managed to up it up over former Queen Bee Blair. But all that she had to give up, her integrity, her peace of mind. I wonder if it was worth it. I remember my days as a teenager. They were hard. Heck. They are hard today too. It seems like the balance between finding yourself, being yourself and the want (ok, need) to fit in never seems to end. I hated HS. Yet, I loved it at the same time. College was a little easier. But it came with its own unique set of heartaches and sleepless nights too. I had the same hard time fitting in. But I think I learned to walk away from trying to fit in with what people expected from me that much quicker. Med school was, and still is, just as difficult. I still had the usual episodes of loneliness and crying spells and frustrations from wanting to fit in. Med school, obviously, isn’t over yet. But I … left. Or rather took a break. I am going back soon. I’m not sure what that really entails. I’m scared. Half the time, I barely know who I am or what I want. ok. no wait. I know what I want. And who I am. But sometimes, its so easy to get caught up in life and lose myself. ya know? And in case you are wondering, it had nothing to do with the school itself. I really do think that everyone, unless if they are deceiving themselves, have good days and bad days, regardless of where they are. Perfection doesn’t really exist. We make do with what we have and do what we can. I truly believe that. I truly believe that I am happy, in general. I truly believe that despite all my mistakes, all the missteps I took, I am where I am today because of those mistakes and missteps, and I don’t regret it.