A friend of mine from lab had to move out of her place last night due to an unsafe housing situation with a volatile landlord. She came in this morning after having spent a night at a hotel. I offered to let her stay at my place immediately because I understood what it meant to not have a place to stay. At the same time, I also emailed my building manager for a parking pass, and another friend who pretty much leaves his room empty because he’s always over at his girlfriend’s apartment to see if he can put her up for about a week (my room is too small to have two people in it for an extended period of time!).
I also called LJ to see if I could stay over at his place for about a week. He had offered it before in the past. But he said he had to check with the sandwich company. He said that was one of the issues they had with me dating him, specifically that I had access to his apartment. whoa. what? How come he never told me? Did they offer to let him date me with restricted access? If I had said fine, we’ll just hang out at my place instead of going over to his place, would we have continued on dating? Maybe he just got tired of all the hoops he had to jump through just to continue dating him and he decided to end it. Were we not worth jumping through hoops for? And maybe I’m just too sensitive. Maybe they never told him that until after we had broken up. I don’t know. I’m so tired of pretending that everything is ok. And sometimes, things are ok. But sometimes they aren’t. Sometimes I feel like I’m the one making the effort to make everything ok and he’s not and well…maybe, maybe we, I was never worth fighting for to begin with and being the blind clinging idiot that I am, I have been hanging on to something that just wasn’t there. Maybe he was just trying to let me down gently and I have been grasping at straws the entire time.