it ends

I want to say that I saw it coming.  But I can’t.  At the back of my mind, I always knew it would end.  I would leave for Chicago, he would stay here.  And eventually we would both move on with our lives.  But I really did not expect it to end before I left.  Perhaps I was walking around with rose-tinted glasses.  Everything was perfect.  He was perfect.  I realise that in reality, perfection does not exist.  But he was as perfect as perfect could possibly be attained in this un-perfect world.

And then yesterday.  It ended yesterday.  The company that he designs sandwiches for has not given their approval for us to date.  Technically, we could date for 6 mths without approved paperwork.  But at the end of 6mths, its automatic dis-approval.  According to him, if they had approved, it would have been approved within the first 2 mths we started dating.  But it has been 4.  And still … nothing.  4mths.  We broke up 4mths exactly from the day we met.  He said he didn’t want to be a jerk and say ‘bye’ when the 6mths came up.  He questioned if I really wanted to continue knowing that we are essentially counting down to a goodbye. I wanted to scream yes yes yes!  why the hell not?  2 mths is 2 mths.  2 mths of us. 2 more months to be together.  2 more months to snuggle up on that couch.  2 more months for me to love you.  I didn’t want to give him, us up.  Not right now.  Not when I have just now gotten used to him sticking around, to his phone calls, his IMs, the hand-holding, the snuggling.  If this had happened 3 mths ago, even 2 mths ago, I suppose I would have been fine because I was still waiting, then for him to say, I don’t think this is going to work out.  But I had just gotten used to him being there, and told myself that everything would work out and that I shouldn’t keep worrying about a future I could not see. And so I allowed myself to enjoy his presence and to have fun.  And now it is over.  I have never felt more angry at holding this red passport.  I have never felt more … disadvantaged.  I may speak English like an Ameican but I am not American and so while this country claims its freedoms, I have no freedoms or rights in this country.  I pay taxes but I have no guaranteed healthcare.  I pay taxes and contribute to social security but I will never have rights to it.  I live here and I love here but I can never love him or have him because I am not from here.  That is a reality I only comprehended in abstract terms.  But now I know it too in concrete terms.  I can either accept those terms and live with it.  Or I have to pack my bags, and face the reality of having to start all over in my own country to whom I already am an alien.  It seems that I can go anywhere, but never truly belong anywhere anymore.

He is right.  I know that deep down.  I can’t go cold turkey.  I can’t do a countdown.  It would be worse in 2 mths.  It is better this way.  This way we can be friends.  I mean, seriously, they can’t be that mean and not approve paperwork for a friendship.  Can they?  Friends.  I will still get to see him, hang out with him. I just can’t snuggle up on the couch with him anymore.  Or kiss him.  Or hold his hand. But I can ask for a hug when I’m feeling down.  I can ask him out for dinner when I am feeling lonely.

I am so tired.  I am so tired of being sad.  And of crying.  I need to pick myself up and face reality.  He’s no longer the BF.  He is the Friend.  A friend. 

Advertisements

Published by

ChiefMonkey

I've been swinging from place to place looking for new adventures every day.

One thought on “it ends”

  1. hey there,
    was just surfing past your blog. i’m sorry that this happened to ya, what kind of company policy is that? it’s discriminatory! how can employers control who their employees date and why would anyone follow that policy? (i’m not sure if i got the picture right and i apologize if i haven’t ;))

    being a singaporean myself who has been trying to get australia residency and only just succeeded a few months ago, i understand how you feel. so, ((hugs)) even though i don’t know ya. hang in there, lady. everything’ll work out.

    ps. i’m not sure if we know each other cos i was also from KC.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s