I want to say that I saw it coming. But I can’t. At the back of my mind, I always knew it would end. I would leave for Chicago, he would stay here. And eventually we would both move on with our lives. But I really did not expect it to end before I left. Perhaps I was walking around with rose-tinted glasses. Everything was perfect. He was perfect. I realise that in reality, perfection does not exist. But he was as perfect as perfect could possibly be attained in this un-perfect world.
And then yesterday. It ended yesterday. The company that he designs sandwiches for has not given their approval for us to date. Technically, we could date for 6 mths without approved paperwork. But at the end of 6mths, its automatic dis-approval. According to him, if they had approved, it would have been approved within the first 2 mths we started dating. But it has been 4. And still … nothing. 4mths. We broke up 4mths exactly from the day we met. He said he didn’t want to be a jerk and say ‘bye’ when the 6mths came up. He questioned if I really wanted to continue knowing that we are essentially counting down to a goodbye. I wanted to scream yes yes yes! why the hell not? 2 mths is 2 mths. 2 mths of us. 2 more months to be together. 2 more months to snuggle up on that couch. 2 more months for me to love you. I didn’t want to give him, us up. Not right now. Not when I have just now gotten used to him sticking around, to his phone calls, his IMs, the hand-holding, the snuggling. If this had happened 3 mths ago, even 2 mths ago, I suppose I would have been fine because I was still waiting, then for him to say, I don’t think this is going to work out. But I had just gotten used to him being there, and told myself that everything would work out and that I shouldn’t keep worrying about a future I could not see. And so I allowed myself to enjoy his presence and to have fun. And now it is over. I have never felt more angry at holding this red passport. I have never felt more … disadvantaged. I may speak English like an Ameican but I am not American and so while this country claims its freedoms, I have no freedoms or rights in this country. I pay taxes but I have no guaranteed healthcare. I pay taxes and contribute to social security but I will never have rights to it. I live here and I love here but I can never love him or have him because I am not from here. That is a reality I only comprehended in abstract terms. But now I know it too in concrete terms. I can either accept those terms and live with it. Or I have to pack my bags, and face the reality of having to start all over in my own country to whom I already am an alien. It seems that I can go anywhere, but never truly belong anywhere anymore.
He is right. I know that deep down. I can’t go cold turkey. I can’t do a countdown. It would be worse in 2 mths. It is better this way. This way we can be friends. I mean, seriously, they can’t be that mean and not approve paperwork for a friendship. Can they? Friends. I will still get to see him, hang out with him. I just can’t snuggle up on the couch with him anymore. Or kiss him. Or hold his hand. But I can ask for a hug when I’m feeling down. I can ask him out for dinner when I am feeling lonely.
I am so tired. I am so tired of being sad. And of crying. I need to pick myself up and face reality. He’s no longer the BF. He is the Friend. A friend.