au contraire

I apologize to the two people who actually bother to read the rantings found on this blog.  But this is going to be another lame-ass entry about SingleDad, my inability to find (true) love, and my pathological need to be overly dramatic.  There, you have been forewarned.

Have been talking/obsessing to some people regarding my inability to “let go”.  Apparently, it also took me *quite* a while to ‘let go’ of SurgeonBoy (fine, so I still have a teensy insy weensy crush on that one).  While everyone seems to agree that SingleDad is rather charaismatic, a flirt, good looking, he also comes with a lot of baggage and no one can figure out why I would want to deal with it.

The truth of it is…well, I like it.  My  mother never really wanted children because she had to take care of her siblings and she didn’t want more than two children because she figured she really didn’t want to have to take care of children for the rest of her life.  In fact she always told me that if I wanted children, I better be able to afford a maid AND a babysitter.

But given my (ahem!) advanced age, my tendency towards avoiding the ‘real’ world by staying in school forever, my inability to stay in a relationship, I think if I ever find someone, I’ll be too old to have children. I’m very risk adverse.  Science tells us that the optimum time for a woman to have children is 26 (I’m obviously past my prime). The genes start to malfunction after that and well, by then you are literally playing Russian Roulette with your offspring.

Going out with SingleDad allowed me to indulge in the idea of having a family. Sort of. I’ve never met his son. But I’ve had to make adjustments for his … schedule. Its really hard to go out on a date with a man who has to make sure his son has dinner by a certain time and that his son goes to bed by a certain time.  Its also hard because his schedule isn’t really his own because he’s trying to cater to his ex’s whims and fantasies.

But dating him does allow me to indulge in the fantasy that one day, I might have a family. That dating my significant other would mean having to work around difficult schedules.  I know that I’m not going to be very good with taking care of the household and the children and I honestly don’t mind being ‘out-momed’ ( I think).

My biological clock is ticking.  I don’t understand it. I’m not going to try. I was never one of those girls who dreamed of her wedding day.  In fact, I think I was more attracted to girls than I ever was to boys.  At some point in time, I really did think that I was gay (college fixed that!). But I always did dream of having a family. But now I think I may be replacing my (non-existent) career with it.  That and shopping.

ah well.

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ChiefMonkey

I've been swinging from place to place looking for new adventures every day.

One thought on “au contraire”

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