Posted in drama, Home

Time to move on

About 2 weeks ago, the director of my department came into my office, in the middle of the day to talk to me. At the end of the discussion, it became clear to the both of us that it was time for me to move on. I kid you not when I say that I basically went through the 5 stages of grief in a span of 5 mins (because you know…WHOLE afternoon of patients…certainly can’t blow THEM off), and then went through it all over again, but much more slowly over the weekend.

denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance

At first, I told myself, no no no. This can’t be happening. I’ve got bills to pay. WTF am I thinking offering to tender my resignation? I should be fighting for this job. After all, as the Beau would say, its a great job. The benefits are great, its a 10 min drive from our current home. And then I got angry. I’m a doctor. If I wanted to be micromanaged, I would have been a physician assistant (Sorry to all the wonderful physician assistants out there! Some of you have been even better than the attendings I’ve worked with! But …. argh). And if I wanted to be customer friendly, I would have gone into hospitality. This is MEDICAL CARE for goodness sakes. Sometimes patients simply have to hear things they don’t want to hear and I sure as hell am not going to apologize for explaining birth control to a 15 year old especially if she is already hearing about it from her classmates! This was followed by bargaining (with myself). Maybe I’ll take a month off and re-calibrate. But who the hell am I kidding. And then I got sad. Like really sad thinking I’m a failure. And by the end of the weekend, I was at acceptance. I mean, I think telling myself that I was never a good fit for this place and that I was bending over backwards to fit in was probably part of the bargaining stage too. But once I accepted that either I was going to quit with dignity or be subjected to more humiliation before being fired, quitting just seemed like a much better move even though I know it would not look good on the resume to have been on the job less than a year.

For the past 5 months I’ve been dreading going to work. I would look forward to the days I could go to the other alternate site. I kept telling myself maybe because I’m just adjusting, maybe its just a different population type and it was simply growing pains. But once I accepted that I was going to quit, I kid you not, I actually felt better about myself. Sure, bouts of self-pity still creep in and I still feel like a failure. But I honestly do think that this is a good thing. I should have recognized it earlier and taken the proactive step of saying “peace out” instead of being asked forced to make that decision.

But the question is when do you know enough is enough? When you are feeling so physically sick to go to work? When you find yourself drinking more and more coffee?

The only saving grace is that I think I’m leaving with my head held high. So far I haven’t told my patients or my staff that I’m leaving. But so far, I would like to think that I have been nothing but professional. I haven’t slacked off. I’ve not used my office time to search for jobs or answer recruiter phone calls. I’ve been keeping job searching strictly to my allocated time offs. Which also means that its been a little more slow going on the job search front. But that’s ok. I still haven’t really figured out my next move yet. And this time, I think I’m going to be a lot more deliberate in settling on a job. I’m not going to take a job simply because they said “We would love to have you!” It really has to be a better fit for me this time before I would say yes.

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Posted in Home, weight loss

How having pink eye is making me think twice about my health

The inevitable has happened. I have pink eye. Pink eye, or rather, viral conjunctivitis sucks. But as a contact lens wearer, I’m also really worried about a corneal ulcer. Which, this might very well turn out to be. Due to the fact that I have a high deductible insurance, I have yet to establish care here in the US. Which means I can’t really walk into any clinic and have them check if there is a corneal ulcer or a foreign body, or if its just plain old viral conjunctivitis. And this sucks.

However, having pink eye has also made me start thinking about other aspects of my health which I’ve been neglecting. Well, let’s be honest. All aspects of my health. I’ve been eating junk food because I’ve been so stressed. In addition to the increasing numbers on my utterly disgusting weighing scale, my face has been breaking out into horrid acne and I’ve got red blotches. As someone who has never put on make-up on a regular basis I’ve actually taken to wearing BB cream, not a big deal for most people, but a big deal to me. I haven’t actually been exercising because the thought of shelling out $150 to join a gym and then another $25 every month for the privilege of going is simply too much for me right now. I’ve been trying to walk a little bit more but I’m getting bored of walking. I was going to join an exercise class but haven’t found the motivation to commit to anything at the moment.

Well, no more. As of this moment, to make myself more accountable to, well, myself. I’m hereby declaring a small step towards committing to my own well being. I have a little jumping rope (thanks Target!!!) and I’m committing to jumping rope 20 times a day for the next 2 weeks. And if I can do that without breaking any bones, I’m going to try to increase it by 5 every 2 weeks until I reach 50. My current weight is 69kg and I’m hoping that with the added exercise and eating healthy, I’ll be able to lose at least 1 kg every month. My healthy weight range is 52kg (a number which I have never ever reached before) but I’m hoping to be 62kg by the end of this year.

Here’s to a healthier start.

Posted in Home

home sweet home?

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Its been 6 months since I moved to the South Bay area and things are finally settling down into a rhythm.

The transition hasn’t been easy. The original plan was that I was going to continue working on my research project long distance. But I found it too difficult to keep the momentum going and to keep juggling and catching all the different pieces just got too much so I handed in my resignation. Thankfully, all I had to do was pay the penalty for giving up my license early and that was it. They were willing to forgo the resignation in lieu of notice penalty which was a lot of money that I did not (and still don’t) have.

In addition, the Beau and I are still trying to adjust to each other. I mean, for the most part, we get along really well. But that old adage about money tearing a couple apart is true. Money has been a source of conflict in our marriage. We are both trying to adjust to the differences in how we each handle money (or the lack thereof). I sometimes think that the main reason why we haven’t both given up is because we don’t have kids.

Yea. You read that right. The main reason why we are still together is because we don’t have kids. I know that the common assumption is that couples stay together is because of their children. Well, in our case, I think not having kids and deciding not to have kids, may be saving our marriage. For one thing, it eliminates a huge source of stress. I mean, fighting about money is one thing. But fighting about how we bring the kids up, how we are going to find enough money to survive as a family is another. I’m not saying that our marriage or our lives are perfect. Nor am I saying that no one should have kids. Its just that, for us, not having children, is the right decision for us. We are officially DINKs (Double Income, No Kids) although I won’t be surprised if we become SINKs in the near future.

Although the both of us are still mired in debt, I’m still trying to think ahead to retirement. The Beau if almost 10 years older than me. I don’t really plan on staying here for too long. I mean, the weather is lovely and its great to have nice sunny weather year round. But its so expensive living here, I’m not sure its worth the stress. Plus I also have to worry about future healthcare costs as well. So I guess all I can say is that its home sweet home — for now. But we are definitely going to have to think about moving when he retires. I’m not sure where yet though. I would like to be near the water. And hopefully in a safe place. He wants to be closer to nature. But I’m a city gal through and through. Hopefully, time will bring both our wants closer and we can compromise on a good (and affordable) location. But it looks like we are going to continue to stay here in the South Bay for a while.

Posted in camera-phone love, Food, reviews

Food court finds

The last few weeks have been tough. We had been arguing over everything from getting the carpets cleaned to buying orange juice. We are both exhausted and we are hardly spending anytime together. But last thursday, we finally we managed some couple time so we went out for dinner. The mall seemed the logical choice. It was convenient and we had not yet explored the dining options there beyond our usual table at PF Changs.The Beau tried a pizza from the piźza stand. I was hungry and opted for the 3 meat rice bowl (Meat lover’s special) at bibigo. It was surprisingly good.

There was a sweet chicken, some beef mixed with pork with an egg thrown into it as well. In total, it was $14. A bit pricey for a food court. But then again, what isn’t these days?